I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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