Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
