Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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