It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
