I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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