I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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