I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
