I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
