I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
