Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
