paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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