I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
