Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
