even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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