How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
