I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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