watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
