Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
