I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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