there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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