The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
