Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
