i think my tv is drunk
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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