he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
