You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You left your phone here
Wait...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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