3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
