she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
