dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
