remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
