At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
