Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
