so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
