I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
