My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the day after is always just damage control
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I touched a dick in church today
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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