onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
