I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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