I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
