NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
