the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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