why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize