What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
