wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
