I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
