Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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