Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just had sex on a roof
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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