i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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