i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
