My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
