shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
