I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
